Not a Bridesmaid

I was friends with the bride for over 12 years. We had the some of the same interests; we were into dance and performing arts, we had the same sensitive personality, we were there for each-other like sisters. We had our ups and downs but it was really stupid arguments really. One time she even told me she wanted me to be her Maid of Honor, even though I knew it would probably go to her sister and it did. But I always thought I would be a bridesmaid. I was always excited at the thought of being in her wedding; getting to go to the dress fitting, getting to be a part of the rehearsal dinner and partying with the bride and other bridesmaids before the big day. 

Did I get to do any of that? No. Although I sucked it up and went to the ceremony and the reception, I balled my eyes out the whole time at the ceremony. It was heart wrenching not being a bridesmaid at my dearest friends wedding. It hurt me so much. I have tried to forgive her and move on, but I just couldn’t seem to get over it. I tried to listen to my mom that preparing a wedding is a lot of pressure on the bride and trying to make everyone happy. But at first the Bride told me it was just going to be family and then we went for wine together and I found out a few of her close friends I knew were bridesmaids. I was really upset by it. And then a friend I barely knew all the years I’ve known her, was a bridesmaid. Someone who was never at her birthday get togethers or her 30th surprise Birthday,or anything else for that matter takes my place as a bridesmaid. It was unfair. And not to mention I traveled from Iowa just to come to her 30th birthday party!

I have been mad and upset at her ever since the wedding. We were still friends until now. I tried to give myself time to heal from the hurt. I even told her how I felt. She apologized and told me how much our friendship meant and I forgave her but at the same time I was still bitter and didn’t want to talk to her anymore.

The bride posted a TBT post on Facebook with her and the bridesmaids getting fitted for their dresses a year in advance before her wedding; which really stung seeing it and word vomit came out or more like finger monsters came out, and I posted a comment that pretty much caused a huge argument and ended our friendship. She mentioned that I am taking out my bitterness on her because she is a nice person and she didn’t have to take my comments anymore. But I took my bitterness out on her because I felt stabbed in the back by her and I wasn’t moved on from the hurt yet. Perhaps I should not have made the comment, but I did and the floodgates opened and ended a long friendship. I mean I cried for almost a week in my room after her wedding. My crying wasn't like all at once of course, but when I thought about the disappointment, I would cry. 

I suppose my feelings might have been selfish, but I just thought we were closer friends than that and I wanted to be there for her. Instead of acting humble and just accepting of the situation, I over reacted once again and ruined a long friendship. 

Perhaps we might be friends again, but after the harsh comments I made, she made it pretty clear she doesn’t want to be friends with me anymore. But If she considered me such a close friend like she always told me, I will never understand why she didn’t make me a bridesmaid. 

That’s why if I EVER get married. I will not have bridesmaids. I think I will just have a small ceremony with immediate family in a small church. It should be about the couple and not a popularity contest of who is closer to the bride.